


The Ones We Were

by garyindistress



Category: Super Junior
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-13
Updated: 2012-12-13
Packaged: 2017-11-21 00:50:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/591571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/garyindistress/pseuds/garyindistress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hyukjae wakes up in a facility. He's been in a car accident.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ones We Were

He woke up to instant clarity in a well-lit room. The voice beside him said, "You've been in a car accident. Do you remember your own name?" It belonged a boy maybe a few years older. He had kind eyes and a pencil tucked behind his left ear. An ominous vein pulsed on his forehead, glowing under the light. Hyukjae saw these things before he spoke.

"I think so. Lee Hyukjae."

"Hi Hyukjae. You were in a car accident last week. You have been in a comatose state until now. Do you remember the year and month?"

  


"Yes. November 2005?"

  


"Good. Today's the sixth." The boy took the pencil from his ear and jotted down something in his pocket-sized notepad, small and illegible. He looked up with a smile. "I'll be helping you recover from now on. It might take a while before you can return to your previous life as it was." He paused, as though weighing his words carefully. "We weren't able to contact any of your friends or family. Your cell phone was broken beyond repair, and your wallet contained no evidence as to who you were."

"But I know who I am."

  


"Yes, and now so do we," the boy said agreeably. "We've filed a missing persons report. We'll let you know as soon as someone calls in for you."

  


"What does that mean? Am I... where am I?" 

  


The boy closed the notepad, tucked it into his jeans pocket, and returned the pencil to his ear. "We're at the Physical and Mental Recovery Center. We call it the Center for short. I'm Park Jungsu, but people around here call me Leeteuk."

  


"'Leeteuk...'"

  


"Because I'm special." Leeteuk had a dimple when he grinned. On his left cheek, Hyukjae's right. "Just like everyone else here."

  
He placed a hand on Hyukjae's shoulder, light and warm. "Come on. Let me show you to your room. You'll be living with Kibum."

In the bathroom later Hyukjae overheard someone else talking to Leeteuk about the nine other people who had woken up that same day. "It's a success," he said over the trickling of urine.

Leeteuk was silent.

"God, it reeks in here. Is someone taking a dump?" The other boy suddenly asked. Hyukjae tried to bring his legs up on the seat but instead his rubber slippers made skidding sounds on the tile.

  


Leeteuk's laugh echoed off the walls. "Let's talk in my room, Heechul. I just got some scented candles imported from India."

  


"Such a romancer," Heechul grumbled, but Hyukjae could detect no resentment. They were close. Friends, even.

  


When the door slammed Hyukjae noticed that his face felt hot. He wiped himself and flushed quickly. There was a mirror over the sink, spotted with dried toothpaste flecks. It felt like he hadn't looked at himself in a long time. "So this is me, huh."

  


"Not much of a looker," agreed a voice coming from the door. Hyukjae nearly jumped at the sound.

  


They were the same age, probably. The boy sported a tousled mess of silver hair and stood at a few millimeters shorter than himself. Hyukjae felt an immediate affinity with him. 

  
"It smells really bad in here, and for once it's not my fault," the boy said. 

"I don't know," Hyukjae lied. "It might've been the dude with the red hair."

  


"Heechul? He's the one who woke me up. I like him."

  


Hyukjae found himself at a loss for words, not because he knew enough about Heechul to dislike him but because the boy had moved uncomfortably close to him in the last five seconds.

  
"Donghae," the boy grinned a couple centimeters from his face. His breath smelled like baked beans. "I'm new around here."

"Me too. Uh, Hyukjae."

  
"Cool. I'd ask to shake your hand but it looks like you haven't washed it yet."

Hyukjae laughed and reached for the soap. Donghae turned away and unzipped his jeans, starting to do his thing. Hyukjae watched him through the mirror, noting that his shoulders were wider than his own but just as pointy under the thin long-sleeved shirt.

  


"How long do you think we'll be here?" Hyukjae asked.

  
"I dunno," Donghae said, rolling up his sleeves. He ran his hands under the water without using soap. "I hope they have good food, though. I'm starving." He rolled his eyes back up at Hyukjae and grinned. It carried the sign of a bad idea, or a very good one.

  
"I saw a soccer ball in the courtyard out the window on my way to my room. D'you wanna play sometime?"

  
"Hell yeah," Hyukjae said. It wasn't until this moment that he realized how badly he wanted to  _move_. Feel his muscles contract. The moment before his feet made contact with a ball. The fraction-of-a-second anticipation before scoring a goal. It was odd, like being old and new at the same time.

 

 

 

 

Leeteuk said they would keep him until someone claimed him. A family, a friend. It didn't matter. Hyukjae stopped in Leeteuk's office every day to ask if he had any calls. Every day Leeteuk shook his head in way of apology. "Not yet."

There were gaps in Hyukjae's memory, as to be expected after the accident. He remembered clearly his family, his mother's praying figure before bed. He remembered skipping down the street with his sister, his first high school uniform, chasing after the class leader, a smart pigeon-toed girl who never looked him in the eye when he asked for her number, and, later, cutting class to hang out at the arcade. These details came to him sharply when summoned and dispersed just as quickly. He knew them like the number of times he had to stretch out his knee in the mornings, just before the perfunctory  _click,_ likean imitation of joints and ligaments pulling into place--a fact you recite off the top of your head when prompted. He remembered the color and cut of Jieun's dress at high school graduation, the way her hand fit small against his and the way her body shivered when they kissed on the terrace before his sister found them. His hand lingering on her chin, like a placeholder.

But he couldn't remember telephone numbers. He couldn't remember addresses or the walls of his house. And without these, it was like the people he loved never existed.   


  


Three months into his stay he decided no one was coming for him. He would pack his three shirts and two pairs of jeans. He would leave and live in a tiny flat on his own. He'd make it somehow.

  


Leeteuk knocked on his door. "Going somewhere?"

  
"Yeah. I can't stay here forever," Hyukjae said without looking up. 

"Hyukjae, you don't have a place to go."

  


"I know, but I'll find--" He was having difficulty zipping up the duffel bag.

  


Leeteuk shook his head. "Look at me." He placed a hand over Hyukjae's. "Do you want to stay?"

  


Hyukjae looked. Leeteuk's eyes were kind, much like they'd been the day he'd woken up.

  


Silence was enough for Leeteuk. "Then stay."

  
In the end, no one left. Not until later, anyway.

 

 

 

Leeteuk sat down on the edge of Hyukjae's bed, careful to leave space between them. Hyukjae remembered Donghae and was thankful.

"Our objective is your happiness. In order to do so we strip you of your history--take your memories, don't lose them. But you're starting from a blank slate. We'll teach you how to live again.

  


"In return, we ask for your unconditional loyalty."

  


Hyukjae nodded.

  


"From now on you'll be known as Eunhyuk. Lee Hyukjae is but a memory."

  


He nodded again.

  


"Okay," Eunhyuk said. "Okay, teach me."

 

 

They had to go through tests after tests. Eye examination. How much can you eat in one sitting? Here, climb this tree. Can you jump over that fence? (Siwon could.) Sing the harmonic major scale for me. "No, you really don't want to hear me sing," Eunhyuk protested.

  


"You're right, but standard procedure.  _Do re mi..._ " Heechul was good at getting people to do things. People did them out of fear for their own lives.

  
Irrational, because what could a 60-kilo boy do to them?

In the cafeteria Eunhyuk watched as Heechul, who had somehow acquired silver cutlery in contrast to everyone else's plastic utensils, sharpened his steak knife with a small stone.

"Heechul scares me," he mumbled in between gulps of rice.

  


"Why?" Donghae asked, sidling up close. "I think he's cool."

  
Donghae was designated as a Dancer, along with three others, including himself. Eunhyuk wasn't sure about all their names and faces yet, but one of them sounded foreign when he spoke. He didn't speak often.

 

 

 

Some of them had more difficulty being placed than others. Sungmin was one of them.

"I'm not good at anything," Sungmin said.

  


"Sometimes you need people like that. I'm one of them," Leeteuk reassured him.

  


It wasn't exactly true.

  


"Neither am I, Teukie-hyung," Kangin said, sneaking up behind Leeteuk and setting his hands down on his shoulders. The sight of Leeteuk jumping a little caused Kangin to break into a toothy grin.

  


Kangin was good at talking. He reminded Eunhyuk of a car salesman. 

  
Sungmin was smiling, but he looked worried. This was pretty much his default face.

In the end they didn't place him anywhere. They called him a Floater. Some days he sat in on Eunhyuk's dance class; some days he took voice lessons with Yesung. He didn't excel at any one subject but was decent in everything. Sungmin was friendly, polite, considerate, and most likely to be forgotten during Leeteuk's customary roll calls. He'd raise his hand tentatively and remind him that he was here, too.

  
It became a running joke between the members. "Hey, I feel like someone's missing," Heechul would say.

"Yeah. I wonder who it is," Kangin would jump in.

  


"Maybe the kid--what's his name? The one who--oh God, I can't remember."

  


"The one who acts cute all the time, right?" Kangin mimicked Sungmin's face when he was confronted by food he didn't like. Wrinkled nose. "But can secretly take all of us. Except me, of course."

  


"Yeah, that one. I think."

  


"I don't know, he's just so  _forgettable_."

  


"Who? Oh look, I already forgot..."

  
They were both jackasses, but Sungmin was laughing. Being jackasses was one way to pass the time. They only had each other to entertain themselves. 

 

 

 

Kyuhyun arrived in May. According to Leeteuk, they found him in an alley, nearly unrecognizable. "We had to patch him up and make him presentable again."

  
No one knew what he used to look like, but his current face was that of a normal eighteen-year-old. His frame was long and lanky. He towered over almost everyone, except Siwon and Hankyung.

Kyuhyun took an instant liking to Donghae. "Hyung, they placed me as a Singer. I'm supposed to practice this English song... you're good at English, right?"

"He sucks," Eunhyuk cut in. "Hey, we're still on for that soccer game at 2?" He elbowed Donghae in the side.

  


But Donghae's attention wasn't on him. "My English is awesome. I even have an English name.  _Please call me Aiden Lee._ "

  


Kyuhyun laughed, showing off his fine, even teeth. 

 

 

After a while everyone started to forget. Not the facts, no, the who-are-your-parents and when-is-your-birthdays stayed intact, a permanent fixture in their memory. They knew their personal histories like it had been programmed into them, but they felt new. Their lives in the Center were the only ones that mattered. Leeteuk--Eunhyuk had no doubt he would die for this man. They were brothers now. This was the man who saved his life and gave him a new one.

 

 

The hardest thing about living at the Center was a loneliness of a different kind. 

"The day of my accident, my girlfriend finally agreed to put out," Kibum said. Kibum was a good-looking kid, just a year younger than Eunhyuk. He'd studied abroad in the United States before.

"Was she American?" Hankyung asked.  


  
"Do you think Kibummie here is cool enough to score with a foreigner?" Heechul asked, slapping Hankyung on the head. Hankyung laughed and wriggled away. They exchanged a look that Eunhyuk didn't understand.

  
"Hey, how am I not cool enough? Hyung, that pains me deeply." Kibum made a sad face. "Okay, she was Korean."

"See?" Heechul was delighted.

Kangin came in and made Eunhyuk scoot over, wedging himself in between him and Kibum. He slapped a friendly arm around both of them. "I dated an American girl once. Her tits were this big." He carved out mountains in front of his chest.

Heechul clapped his hands together, like flippers. "And when she hugged you, did you feel like you were going to suffocate?"

  


"Yeah, I literally couldn't breathe--like--this--" Kangin mimicked gasping for air. Kibum laughed into the back of his hand.

  


Eunhyuk tried to remember what it felt like to kiss someone. Donghae's thigh was warm against his on the floor.

  
"Favorite porn star?" Kangin asked.

"Watase Akira," Eunhyuk blurted out. 

  


All eyes turned on him. "Oh, our Eunhyukkie isn't that innocent now, is he?" Kangin leered. Eunhyuk realized he had made the mistake of sitting by the door when Kangin had stormed in earlier.

  
"Are you serious? He's the most perverted person here," Donghae jumped in gleefully.

Eunhyuk laughed nervously. "What?"

  


"Come on, you were totally checking me out in the shower."

  


"What?! Trust me, Lee Donghae, you're not much of a looker yourself."

  


"That's not what your eyes said. I felt violated."

  


Eunhyuk gave up. "Say that again after you've grown a pair of DD tits. I think I'll go watch my  _straight_  porn in peace now."

  


The others laughed. Donghae tugged on his shirt. "Can I come with you?"

 

 

The truth was, he had looked. The first time was an accident. He'd barged into Donghae's stall demanding if he'd stolen his shampoo (which Eunhyuk had, in fact, stolen from Ryeowook, but trifling details), but Donghae had had his back turned toward him, head tilted under the shower stream. Hair slicked back and not falling in his eyes like usual, he looked like a different person. 

"Is that my shampoo?" Eunhyuk yelled over the roar and the steam. He couldn't remember if Ryeowook's had come in a pink bottle.

  


Donghae turned to squint at him. "What? I can't hear you."

  
"Is that--" Eunhyuk started again, moving closer. His t-shirt was already soaked through. "Oh, fuck it." He peeled off the shirt and then his boxers and threw them over the stall door.

"What are you doing?" Donghae demanded, eyes growing wide. He had soap suds in his ears.

"Taking a shower. You stole my shampoo, you dirty bastard." Eunhyuk reached for the bottle and squeezed out a generous amount onto his palm. His elbow swiped against Donghae's chest.

  


"This is so unfair," Donghae whined. "I'm not even getting half the water anymore."

  


Eunhyuk made a face at him and began lathering.

  
The second time was ten minutes later. Eunhyuk had left his towel in the other stall so he fought Donghae for his instead. He won. Donghae dripped and dripped, arms folded across his chest, pouting unbecomingly. Eunhyuk made a big show of drying off, getting even places like his armpit and crotch, at which point Donghae turned around and groaned. "You can keep that towel now."

"I am victorious!"

  
"You're a thief, that's what you are."

"Says the guy who stole my shampoo."

  


"It was  _Sungmin's_. He said I could use it!"

  


"Oh. But--"

  


"Gimme the towel." Donghae grabbed it from him and finally began the arduous process of drying off. Eunhyuk watched with a silly grin on his face. He wasn't sure how to account for the sudden giddiness.

  
Little drops of water clung to Donghae's face, shoulders. One dangled off his left nipple precariously. Donghae was better-formed than he was, Eunhyuk realized as his eyes spanned lower and caught the definition in his abdominals. He was no Choi Siwon, but at least more muscled than Eunhyuk himself. 

Eunhyuk wasn't sure how to feel about this.

  


"What, you've never seen an Adonis before?" Donghae smirked. 

  


"Shut up, I wasn't--a  _what?_  You, my friend, are more deluded than Heechul."

  


"Tell me that again when Heechul gets a six-pack."

  


"Is this a six-pack? More like a four-pack."

  


"Then what's yours? A one-pack?"

  


"You--dude, I'm going to sneak into your room and fart on all your clothes."

  
"I'm so scared," Donghae smiled, stepping out of the stall.

 

 

 

"You know what, I didn't mind," Donghae said after the DVD stopped rolling. They were back at the menu, the background image of a girl with a thin black bar covering her eyes and melon-shaped breasts playing peekaboo under a see-through slip. She had one hand spread over her cunt and a pinkie finger tugging innocently at the corner of her mouth, like  _Ottoke?_  Eunhyuk rolled up his second tissue and tried not to think about how the room smelled like both of them, like Donghae, thick and musky. He leaned back against the bed and asked, "What?"

"Didn't mind you looking."

  


Eunhyuk caught his breath. "What are you talking about."

  
Donghae threw his tissue at the wastebasket and missed. "Aw, nuts. Talking about you checking me out in the shower."

"How many times do I have to tell you, I wasn't."

  


"It's okay, Hyukjae. I'm lonely, too."

  


"I'm not."

  


The silence stretched into seconds as they stared at each other.

  


Donghae moved first.

They were kissing.

 

 

 

"Do you ever wonder about the world outside? You know, where we used to belong?" Kibum whispered when the lights were out. Eunhyuk had nearly fallen asleep when he felt Kibum's breath on his ear. Kibum always slept on his own bed. This was weird.

  


That was the thing about Floaters. They didn't belong in one particular category, and sometimes they doubted. Leeteuk had told Eunhyuk this before. Heechul was a Floater, and so was Kibum.  _Don't get me wrong, I love them both. And Sungmin._ Always an afterthought, Sungmin.  _You're different, though. Eunhyuk, you know who you are, don't you?_  


  
"Honestly, no," Eunhyuk said. He thought about Donghae's mouth hard against his. "Why?"

"Because. There's so much I want to do."

  


"Like what?"

  


Kibum laughed, and it tickled. Eunhyuk turned to his side, but Kibum wrapped his arms around him from behind. "Hyung, you seem distracted. How many times did you jerk off today? The room smelled kind of funky in here earlier."

  


Shit. And Eunhyuk had made a point in opening the windows to get fresh air cycling in.

  


"I'm just tired," he said. "What kind of stuff do you want to do?"

  


"I don't know. Lots," Kibum pulled him in closer. Kibum was pretty strong. 

  


Eunhyuk realized with a start that the younger boy was nursing a hard-on under his boxers. 

"I want to travel. Go to Japan. Go to the States again. Maybe take acting classes. I'm not so great at the singing and dancing shit they make us do here."

  


"Oh." None of these things meant anything to Eunhyuk.

  


"Yeah. But I'm just rambling." Kibum laughed again. This time it had a different quality to it.

  


The next morning he was gone.

 

 

It was the first time anyone had left the Center while Eunhyuk had been there, and he was surprised at the complacency with which Leeteuk accepted the news. "Well, let's consider Kim Kibum graduated from the Center. I wish him the best of luck." Eunhyuk scanned his voice for bitterness but could detect none.

"That ingrate," Kangin snarled. Leeteuk gave him a disapproving look.

  


"He was our brother, Kangin. Never forget that."

  


If Leeteuk played favorites, he was good at concealing it. But everyone knew he had a soft spot for Kangin and Heechul. Heechul because he'd been the first patient, the first after Leeteuk himself. "I was like you all," Leeteuk had announced once. "I still am."

  


Kangin was different. He'd taken to Leeteuk from the moment he'd woken up, always massaging his shoulders, asking if he was tired. Teukie-hyung. Kangin had singlehandedly created that nickname, and it had stuck. He was wild and unmanageable, prone to fits of rage, but softened in the presence of their leader. Leeteuk, in return, treated him as a domesticated cub, one that mewed only for him.

  
Not everyone was happy about this.

"Teukie-hyung doesn't like me," Kyuhyun said to Donghae over dinner. 

  


Donghae was cheerfully dismissive. "No, he loves you."

  


"Not like he loves Kangin and Heechul."

  


"Well, Heechul's different. And Kangin sucks up to him like no other," Eunhyuk pointed out.

  


Kyuhyun fell sullen. "It's unfair. I'll prove to him my worthiness."

Eunhyuk laughed. "Good luck with that. I hear Kangin scrubs his feet with sea salts every night before bed."

"You could do with more foot-scrubbing yourself," Donghae said, wrinkling his nose.

  


"Wanna do the honors?" Eunhyuk grinned slyly, slipping out of his sandals under the table.

  
Chaos broke loose within seconds. "What is that  _stench_?" Heechul grumbled from across the table. Hankyung caught Eunhyuk's eye in a conspiratorial smile and shrugged.

 

 

  
He and Donghae snuck out of the Center to the park across the street. From the outside the gray weathered facade of the building resembled a forbidding elementary school. Sometimes parents wandered in with their four-year-old children, asking about the fall semester schedule. If Donghae was in the rec room, the one closest to the front door, he would dash to the front door and set his elbows on the counter before the reception window. He watched the receptionist, an able girl who spoke several different languages, explain to the parent, "No, we're a government-sponsored facility for physical and mental rehabilitation. I'm sorry, I believe the elementary school you're looking for is further down the street," while the kid fumbled with her shirt. He would make faces at her. Sometimes he brought candy, exaggeratedly large swirly lollipops. He hoarded them for these occasions. Shindong was his dealer. 

"Hey, hey, what's your name?" He'd stoop down until they were seeing eye-to-eye, balancing effortlessly on the balls of his feet. "Oppa has a present for you."

He was good with kids. It was usually the parents who smiled awkwardly and nudged their child towards the door. "Sorry to have taken up your time. We must be going now. Thank you for the candy."

  


He watched them leave through the glass revolving doors. Sometimes the kids waved back.

  
"I want one so badly, you know?" Donghae explained. He pushed off the ground with his feet, propelling himself backwards and into the air. Eunhyuk sat on the adjacent swing and mimicked his motions. They had an unspoken competition. They both housed the secret belief that it was what would make them men.

  


"I mean, I love Teukie-hyung and the Center and you guys. But there are times--haven't you wondered?"

  
He hadn't, and it was surprising that Donghae had.

"I want a girl to spoil and treat like a princess, and a boy to teach how to fight and be strong, like me," Donghae continued.

"You have to beat me first if you want to be strong," Eunhyuk said, extending his legs out further with each semicircle. Faster, higher.

"Oh yeah? You think you're stronger?"

  


"I  _know_."

  


"We'll see, Lee Hyukjae. We'll see tonight."

Eunhyuk grinned. "Is that a threat?"

  


"It's a promise." He thought he saw Donghae grin but he had his head thrown back. The leaves overhead latticed shadows over his eyes, his open mouth.

 

 

Heechul was the only one of them allowed to use the computer for more than half an hour a day. He spent it browsing animal adoption centers and celebrity gossip sites.   


  
The day Kangin secretly borrowed Leeteuk's car to go buy a pack of cigarettes and then inadvertently hit a pedestrian at an intersection, Heechul was snorting to himself at the computer. He heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway and then the click of the front door, someone shuffling into the room. He tore his eyes away from the screen, startled.

  


It was Kangin, wild-eyed. "I hit someone." The keys jangled, fisted in his hand.

  
There was a pause, and then Heechul got up. "Okay," he said. "Let's talk to Leeteuk. He'll know what to do." He didn't mention that Kangin wasn't supposed to be driving or even to leave the Center, none of them were. Heechul had his moments of kindness.

Eunhyuk watched them leave the room, Kangin's head in his hands. Heechul's arm hesitant around his shoulders.

Kangin didn't come to dinner that night, nor breakfast the next morning. Heechul seemed antsy and irritated at the table, tapping an erratic rhythm on his glass. Siwon asked if he was okay and he replied, "No."

Leeteuk made the announcement that day. Kangin was to be sent to another Center for a reexamination. They might have been too hasty in their assessment of his recovery. He was clearly damaged and unstable. Capable of causing those around him bodily harm. "It's regrettable that..."

"When's he coming back?" Shindong asked.

  


Leeteuk gave a wry smile. "I can't guarantee anything at the moment."

  


Eunhyuk kept quiet throughout the meeting, watching everyone go through the mix of emotions. It was different from when Kibum left, because Kibum chose to leave. Kangin was just stupid. Kangin had always been stupid, and brash, and at times frightening. But he was good where it counted, and he loved Leeteuk. Like the rest of them, he had nothing out there waiting for him. He would come back when he got better, Eunhyuk was sure of it.

 

 

  
Fall came and went. No one mentioned Kangin, in the same way that no one mentioned Kibum. Eunhyuk wondered if they had forgotten. He wondered when he would forget.

Even before Kangin, Heechul and Leeteuk had been fighting over little things. Now it'd become a regular occurrence and not just little things. Eunhyuk caught snippets of these arguments from Leeteuk's room across the hall. Heechul never bothered to keep his voice lowered.

  


This time he was demanding that they be let out of the Center every now and then. 

  


"The reason for the incident with Kangin--and maybe even Kibum--it's because they trap us in here, Jungsu. We should be allowed to go to the supermarket and buy a pack of cigarettes without feeling like we're doing something awful. We have to make that transition eventually anyway. Isn't that what you want?"

  


Leeteuk's voice was muffled. "They're not ready, Heechul. There's a time for everything, and it's not now."

  


"Jungsu, I've always thought of you as a real brother. They made me just nine days younger than you. This skin on my chin came from--don't think I've forgotten."

  


"I haven't either. I've always felt the same. We  _are_  brothers."

  


"No, we're not. But we feel this way because it's how we were made. That's the difference between you and me. Self-awareness. It's the first step to being human." Heechul laughed, low and bitter, a tremor in his throat.

  


Leeteuk was silent.

  
"My point is, just because we're like--we're like this, doesn't mean we should just resign ourselves to being cogs."

  
"Heechul-ah. But that's what we are. We were born this way; inevitably this is how we'll die. Why have you never been able to accept that fact? You'll be much happier when you do..."

"Because I'm fucking perfect and I'm not afraid to own it."

And then the door slammed.

 

 

 

"I'm worried about Heechul," Donghae said.

"Can we not talk about Heechul?" Eunhyuk said.

  


"What do you want to talk about?"

  


"Why you knocked on my door at 3 AM. I was sleeping, you know."

  


"Oh. Sorry." Donghae sat down at the edge of his bed. He was probably looking sheepish, but Eunhyuk couldn't make out his expression in the dark. A stripe of light filtered through the blinds to illuminate a piece of Donghae-forehead.

  


"I just, I missed you."

  


"I saw you at dinner." Eunhyuk scooted toward the wall and lifted his blanket. Donghae slid off his slippers and burrowed into the warm space that had been created for him.

  


"I know. 'm I not allowed to miss you?"

  


  
 _You really shouldn't when I'm right here_ , Eunhyuk thought but didn't say. "I guess I'm too irresistible."

  
"I guess so."

"What can I do to help?"

Even in the dark he could feel Donghae's face hairbreadths away from his. He wasn't even breathing. Extrasensory perception.

"Lots."

 

 

 

The first time they fucked, Eunhyuk had no idea what he was doing. It wasn't like he watched that kind of porn. He wasn't into that.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?"

  


He nodded. He was just into Donghae.

  


It'd been two years in the making. That boy he met in the bathroom the first day, scraggly silver hair. He kept it shorter now, still long enough for fingers to run through. Eunhyuk didn't do it often. Just when they were alone. Then he couldn't do it enough.

His first time had been with a girl in the year above. She'd guided him through the steps, told him to lick where it felt good, brought his fingers to the spot that made her shiver. Her hair spilled over her back like water. He watched her ease him into her and etched into his memory the face she made when calling his name. Losing his virginity had been effortless, a breeze compared to some of the horror stories shared by his friends. He left her house an adult. The sky pulled tighter from above, the ground opened up wider from below. He couldn't stop the cocky grin filling up his face. He wondered if the people walking past him on the street could tell.

  
With Donghae it was less easy. He worried it wouldn't feel good. Even though they were friends, or maybe because they were. 

It was confusing. How badly he wanted it, and how  _bad_  this was, period. Brothers didn't mess around.

  


"You should've had that thought two years ago."

  


"How was I supposed to know?"  _We'd turn out this way. You'd be so fucking_  


  
Like this, open and waiting. Two years ago their bodies practically mirrored each other. Two skinny things lined up in the dance studio, limbs loose and gangly. Coordinated in their dorky grins, because this was what they knew, what they could do. This was for sure.

They were bigger now. Less angles and more bulk. Ridges Eunhyuk wanted to taste with his tongue. Sometimes he'd look and be utterly unimpressed but still so, so stupidly dazed and happy. They belonged to each other. No one else had to know.

"Heechul knows."

"What? How?"

  


"I told him."

  


"Why would you do that, Donghae. Honestly, why--"

  


"Because he tells me things."

  
Eunhyuk didn't know what things. 

"If you want, we can pretend to hate each other. So no one gets suspicious. If you want."

  


"That's more suspicious. And I don't hate you."

  


"I don't either."

  
"Donghae."

  


"Stop talking."

  
Then they let it happen.

The next morning Donghae told him he didn't think he could walk.

Eunhyuk kissed him. He couldn't think. He was looking at Donghae shivering under the sheets and trying not to hyperventilate, in the cinematic panicky  _I wasn't supposed to love you_  way. Donghae complained that he had bad breath.

 

 

Hankyung told them he was leaving four days before Christmas. Ryeowook was putting up decorations on the fake tree they reused every year. A small silver ball ornament fell to the ground with a clink, rolled and stopped at Kyuhyun's foot. He picked it up and frowned.

Leeteuk called him into his office.

"He says he misses China. How can he miss a place he's never been?" Heechul snapped.

"Hyung, he's from China," Siwon reminded gently.

  


"Forget it." His hands were trembling. Eunhyuk wanted to squeeze them. 

  


"He must have his reasons," Siwon said.

  


"Going as in never coming back?" Yesung asked, still struggling with the star that belonged at the top of the tree. The trouble was getting it there.

  


Heechul looked fearful.

  
Hankyung packed his things and left the eve of. Heechul's goodbye was short. He took both of Hankyung's hands in his own and whispered something in his ear. Hankyung nodded. "Me too," he said.

They watched him roll out his suitcase and get into the van Leeteuk had rented. Eunhyuk hoped he would come back soon, for at least one person's sake.

 

 

 

Ten were not the same as thirteen. If Leeteuk noticed, he didn't show it.

Eunhyuk noticed.

  


Heechul wasn't the same.

  


He wondered who would be the next to leave. If leaving would be such a bad thing after all. He remembered Donghae's feet kicking furiously at the wind, pushing higher and higher.  _But there are times--_  


  
 _Haven't you wondered?_

"I'm worried about Heechul," Donghae whispered. This time Eunhyuk agreed.

 

 

 

When it happened, it took them all by surprise. 

Eunhyuk heard Heechul's yelling from his room, which was saying something because he lived the furthest away.

"Fine. Shoot me. Let's see how far you get in Leeteuk's favor."

  
When he broke into Heechul's room, he found Kyuhyun standing over the bed with a pistol.

"Stay out of this, hyung," Kyuhyun warned. His voice was low and even, steady.

  


Eunhyuk slowly raised his hands to show he had nothing on him. "Kyuhyun, what--"

  


"Remember what Teukie-hyung told us when he let us stay here indefinitely? 'We'll teach you how to live again. In return--'"

  


  
 _We ask for your unconditional loyalty_.

  
"This isn't what Teukie-hyung wants, Kyuhyun. He loves Heechul. Just like he loves all of us." Eunhyuk spoke carefully.

"He's too kind. This man has been nothing but a hindrance. He's never once been loyal to the Center. He's always sneaking out, always speaking for Kibum, Kangin, and now that traitor Hankyung. Leeteuk is blind because they've been together for too long. Too long. This needs to end."

People were gathering at the door. Ryeowook watched wide-eyed, clutching at his chest. Yesung looked as though he were still dreaming. 

  
"Kyuhyun, listen to me. You need to think about this--"

"No, I've thought about this for four years.  _Four years_. Heechul's a Floater. He has no alliances to any one group. He thinks he's better than us because he's gotten special treatment for so long. Because Leeteuk listens to him. It's gone on for too long. You don't know how hard it's been."

  
Kyuhyun's eyes reminded Eunhyuk then of Kangin's the day he hit that woman and kept driving. 

 

 

 

"Give me the gun." It was Leeteuk, pushing gently through the crowd. 

Kyuhyun shook his head. "But."

  


"No, give it to me. There is too much you don't understand."

  


Kyuhyun looked at him like he was going to cry.

  


The pistol barely reached Leeteuk's palm before it was whisked away.

  


Heechul. He hooked his index finger and thumb through the trigger and raised it to his own head. "I have something to say."

 

 

You think you're all here because you have no place to go, because you lost it all in a car accident, fire, but I'm going to say this once, before I go. 

  


There was no car accident. 

  


Eunhyuk--no one picked you up from that wreckage. Your bones, your muscle, you were  _made_  here. I saw it happen. Leeteuk and I. We watched them piece you together. Stop crying, Ryeowook. It's all true. You would be  _nothing_  without the Center, forget that beautiful voice you're so proud of. 

  


That goes for you, too, Yesung. 

  


Shindong, you were a bet taken too far. Siwon, you're the reason Ryeowook is so small. They spent more money and materials on you because you were supposed to be perfect. 

  


(Am I not, hyung? 

  


No, no, you are.) 

  


Sungmin, you were an experiment in the concept of moderation. You will feel insecure and lacking your entire life, but know that you're the most human out of all of us.

  


Kyuhyun, I know nothing I can say will sway you because they made you this way, ridiculously intelligent but also impossibly devoted to the Center. I knew it before today, before you held this gun to my face. 

  


Donghae. 

  


Oh, Donghae. I know how much you want to be a father, and it pains me, you won't believe this, but it pains me to tell you that's never going to happen. You're not capable of it. You're not--you don't--we're not men. 

  


Understand me when I say this. Hankyung was their plot to expand into Asia. Kangin would've been a radio DJ or MC or maybe even a politician, the way he ran that mouth off. He might still have a chance if they ever bring him out of the warehouse again. Kibum would've been perfect because he spoke English. Do you know where he is now? I saw Kibum's mangled body before they trashed him. Wires poking out of synthetic flesh. And Hankyung, God. Hankyung. 

  


I can't. 

  


He grazed the barrel with his thumb, almost with love, with care. He closed his eyes.

  


Did you know? They're going to make you stars. You're going to woo Korea, become a household brand. People won't be able to wake up and turn on the TV without seeing your faces plastered on the screen. That's what all the training is for. But those memories you have? Supposed to make you more human. You'll never experience anything like them again; did you know? You never went out with that girl. Your mother never stayed up making you lunch to carry to school. You dreamed up that piano recital, the track meet, your first kiss. You dreamed up your heartbeat. It doesn't get any faster or slower. That's a pacemaker inside your chest.

And what about you? What about you, Heechul? Someone, maybe Sungmin, asked.

I'm too smart. That was their biggest mistake. They made me.

  


His mouth twitched.

  


Heechul, don't--Leeteuk began as the bang sounded.

They couldn't look away. There was blood--what was it really?--but his face had been left largely intact. He was frozen in that expression, eyes wild, mouth twisted and irreverent. Skin parted around the two-centimeter hole at his right temple, still smoking, to reveal the shiny metal underneath. The bullet was lodged further in the skull. Ryeowook gasped and turned to bury his face in Yesung's neck.

 

 

 

Leeteuk called a meeting that night. They had a lot to talk about. But Eunhyuk knew he had to leave. He had to. This wasn't right. He couldn't live like this. "Donghae, come with me."

  


Donghae looked small on the swing. "Okay."

"Okay." That was all he needed to hear.

 

 

They could do it. They could get gigs. Backup dancers. Get accepted by a real entertainment agency. Live in denial, live like they were real. They were real. Eunhyuk refused to believe otherwise. He felt it when he danced. He felt it when Donghae breathed out and he breathed in, and then vice versa, again. Even if heartbeats never quickened.

  


They would leave tonight.

  


He kneeled in front of the swing and pressed a kiss to Donghae's forehead. Looked him in the eye, refused to see the fear there. There was none. And then kissed him again, lips soft, slow, like they had all the time in the world.

 

 

He packed light. Even after five years, there wasn't much he couldn't not leave behind. The door sounded, two light knocks. He'd thought Donghae would take longer.

"Eunhyuk, I'd like to talk to you."

Leeteuk.

  


"There's nothing--"

Everything went black.

 

 

  
He wakes up to instant clarity. The sun is warm on his face. He must've forgotten to draw the blinds last night.

Ryeowook outside his door, knocking. "I made breakfast, sleepyhead."

  


He groans. Rolls out of bed.

  
Everyone is there at the table, all eight of them. Leeteuk gives him a bright smile when he sits down. He lets Shindong turn on the television. A pretty, twenty-something newscaster is reporting a funny story about someone who tried to board a plane to Australia and kept setting off the metal detector. Mr. Cyborg. Shindong laughs really loudly, spewing bacon bits onto Yesung's face. The newscaster is wearing dark red lipstick that clashes with her pastel blouse.

Leeteuk does a quick roll call after the weather report. Everyone is present. Then Sungmin raises his arm shyly. "You forgot me again."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I had a long night."

Sungmin shrugs in mock-hurt. "I'm used to it." Donghae hugs him over the table. Kyuhyun uses this as an opportunity to steal a piece of egg.

Eunhyuk laughs, even if he is a little jealous. He knows Leeteuk doesn't mean it. Leeteuk loves them. He loves these people. They're his brothers.

 

 

  
Sometimes he thinks.

Eunhyuk knows he is twenty-four, but he thinks he has been alive for five. He remembers skipping down the street with his sister, his first high school uniform, chasing after the class leader, a smart, pigeon-toed girl who never looked him in the eye when he asked for her number, and, later, cutting class to hang out at the arcade. These details come to him sharply when summoned and disperse just as quickly. He knows them like the number of times he has to stretch out his knee in the mornings, just before the perfunctory  _click,_ an imitation of joints and ligaments pulling into place--a fact you recite off the top of your head when prompted. He conjures up the images effortlessly, always. The later ones, though, the ones from the past five years are different. What was he wearing yesterday or the day before? It's peculiar that he remembers vividly what the cafeteria served the thirteenth day of kindergarten and the color and cut of Jieun's dress at high school graduation but not what he had for lunch a week ago. He's not stupid. It comes to him in pieces, lying awake at night. His eyes bore holes into the low ceiling, and listening to even thumping of his heart, he realizes,  _I woke up one day, and I was 19._   _I was born at age 19._ He wraps this knowledge around himself like a security blanket, without understanding why it means anything or what he can do with it. It is just a fact, like the others, but different because he knows for certain this is real. Why? Because. He's got a feeling.


End file.
